5:36 am - Somewhere in London, the buzzing sound of a phone lying on a bedside table was echoing against the walls of a nice bedroom, shattering the silence of the night. Even a fool would have known it wasn't a good sign. Only bad news are told at dawn when a phone is ringing, unless you're expecting someone to have a baby any time soon.
But it wasn't the case of Emilia and Vincent Appleton. They didn't know anyone who was pregnant, and they didn't expect to be woken up that early on that Tuesday morning.
Sighing, a "
fuck" escaping her lips, Emilia searched for her phone lazily, bumping her hand into some pills and papers.
It had been 3 weeks since she hadn't seen her son, Gabriel, and she was worried sick. She knew he was probably high somewhere, but there was nothing she could do : she didn't know where he was, he didn't want her help - he was lost in another world she couldn't enter.
Finally catching the phone, she froze at the number, her heart pounding in her chest.
Please, please, let him be alive ; she thought, praying all the Gods she knew.
― «
Miss Appleton ? It's the Royal London Hospital ... » The voice was a man's voice, a bit croaky, probably exhausted after a long day at work.
― «
Y-Yes ? »
― «
Your son entered our services earlier that night, he was in a pretty bad shape. Hypothermia, dehydratation ... He did an overdose. One of his friend brought him here just in time though, he's stabilized and should be alright with good cares. »
That's when the world collapsed for Emilia. With that one sentence. Something crashed inside her. Her heart dropped and her mind exploded into a billion of pieces.
What had she done ? Her husband had woken up too by now and he was staring at her with a questioning look on his face.
The man on the phone was still talking, trying to get an answer from her, but she couldn't bring herself to it. That's when Vincent understood and took the phone, using his incredible ability to keep his nerve all the time to handle the situation.
Whereas Emilia just sat there in the dark, silent, shook by the news. She was hating her son for what had just happened but was hating herself even more.
It was her fault, she kept telling herself.
I've done something wrong, she was thinking. Gabriel couldn't simply be a lost cause. He must have had a good reason ...
He must have. ― «
Dad he's waking up ! »
You're not ready for this, not at all. The light in the room is too bright and your head is spinning like hell. You can feel your blood burning into your veins but you manage a goofy smile to your sister. You don't need to know what happened to understand it - You nearly died and now you have to face that family you've deceived once more.
― «
Be careful, Luna ... »
It was your father's voice.
Your younger sister moved a little bit from you, slightly pouting. She was only 12 years old after all. She didn't know what was happening. She didn't know why you were here. And it was better like that.
You tried to straighten up a bit but it just made everything worst. The world was blurry and the people in the room were just stains of pale colors. You were able to distinguish Ella, your other sister, sitting on a chair nearby. She didn't seem very happy to be here and you couldn't blame her for that. Your dad was standing up next to your bed, a hand on Luna's shoulder and an unreadable expression on his face. You looked around to try and find your mother but she was nowhere to be found.
― «
Where's mom ? » Speaking was hard, your throat was sore due to all the shit that happened.
― «
She didnt want to come, I'm sorry Gabe. »
― «
Oh. » Right. You could understand that. «
I understand. Don't worry. »
You smiled at him and told Luna to come closer, embracing her into a tight hug. You missed her so much - You missed
them all, actually. But you are so attracted by death, so addicted to an uneasy and uncommon life that you keep escaping, drifting away from that loving family of yours. You can't really explain why you are doing that, but still. You simply can't stop doing it. It is inside you, a problem stuck deep down, glued to your heart. And you are so sorry. So terribly sorry.
― «
I'm sorry Dad. I really am ... »
You started sobbing, exhausted by this life, exhausted by yourself.
― «
Shhht, don't cry Gabriel. Come here. It's alright, it's gonna be all alright ... »
He took you in his arms like he used to do when you were younger and sad. You knew nothing would change but you tried to believe him very hard. Maybe it could be alright, maybe you could go to rehab and get clean for good. Maybe you could make your family proud, maybe ...
You finally fell asleep against him, half sobbing, half dreaming of better days to come.
This time would be the last time, you told yourself. And even if you knew it wasn't true, you were going to try.
-- ONE YEAR LATER --
6th of March, 2013.
00:01 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE. got a nice surprise for you, i'll be with you soon if everything is okay
00:01 - gosh alex, you're crazy, can't wait to see you
00:03 - well, i love you, what can i say ?? hope i was the first to wish you a happy birthday !
00:04 - it's not like i have a lot of friends
and i don't talk to my family anymore, so ... yeah, you were the first !
00:06 - right, yeah. well i'm on my way and we're gonna have the best night together. i have beers, good music, chocolate cupcakes, condoms and a little extra for a perfect birthday
00:07 - can't waiiiiit come quickly
00:08 - and also, i wanted to tell you you're the best thing that happened in my life
00:08 - screenshot it because i'm not getting that cheesy ever again
00:12 - aw bub i'm gonna print it and hang it on the walls
00:13 - fuck you
****
Happiness comes and goes just like waves in the sea. It sometimes feels like it will never end, like you will never stop smiling, because everything seems SO right. Until your world crashes down and leaves you battered on the ground, alone and lost. Almost dead, but not completely.
You loved Alex more than everything on this planet. More than books, sunflowers, music and heroin. You would have done everything and anything for them, because they were your first love and you thought it would last forever. Beautiful, talented, creative, patient, kind and so different from the others ; Alex was the spark you needed in your life. A spark who is now gone, lifeless, burried deep into the ground.
You're lost. You don't know what you're doing. You just ringed a familiar doorbell, crying torrents of tears, coming back home after another silent year. You have nowhere to go and you need love. You need it as much as you need your drugs.
― «
Oh my - Gabriel ? »
It's your mother. She hasn't changed that much since the last time you saw her, apart from a new haircut and a few wrinkles. You look at her without saying a word, shook by uncontrollable spasms, cheeks flooded by salted weeping.
You're scared she might close the door or tell you to go, but she comes closer and takes you into her arms possessively. You hold her back, crying even more, begging for love, begging for help.
You both know it's just temporary. She knows just as much as you do you're not back forever.
Because you can't be back forever. You have to be constantly moving, exploring, trying. But for now, you need your mother and father more than anything. And even if you don't stay, you know where your home is. And you'll always come back, until there is no one to come back to.